i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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