Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
