he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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