the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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