i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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