Cold hands, warm shart.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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