You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize