Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
