There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
