he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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