Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
