Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
