Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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