do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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