I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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