my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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