just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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