When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
