btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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