Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
