I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
