I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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