my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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