apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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