u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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