Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
