i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize