glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
