You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
