please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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