Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
