That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
