my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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