oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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