I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
