The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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