She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
