my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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