Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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