so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
