Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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