My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
