I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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