Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
