True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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