I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
