The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
