I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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