I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
