I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
