if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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