Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
