JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
