she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
