Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
