someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
