Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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