they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
