If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
