Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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