Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
